Life is a journey of many different phases. We start off as infants, totally dependent on our parents for all our needs, and as we become adults, the circle of life puts us in the reverse role as caregivers be it to our children or our aging relatives.
Very much like the seasonality of weather, for which we are blessed with dry hot or cold wet, it is how we adapt to the changing seasons that best prepares us for what is to come.
For the new parents to be, the excitement and trepidation that comes just before the arrival of the new born, be it baby shower parties, shopping for baby accessories, prams, clothes makes the anticipation of their new caregiving responsibilities a joyous and in many ways a celebration of life.
Conversely when a loved one is about to be discharged home from hospital, the process of welcoming home our family member is often greeted with anxiety. The major difference is time and preparation. For many of us, such situations are jolts that shakes up our daily routine with little or no warning and together with the loss of what to do next, compounds the fear and anxiety of what is to come.
Caregiving is stressful when we are ill equipped with the understanding as to how to cope with the care needs of our loved ones. Expectant mothers have the luxury of time to prepare their homes, schedules, attend ante-natal classes and have themselves mentally and emotionally well prepared before their big day arrives.
Whereas for those caregivers who are thrust into a situation of dealing with a loved one who was previously independent and mobile, and now has dependency needs for daily living and mobility issues, is often cited as a great source of stress.
It is Okay not to be Okay
This is the first step of acknowledgement that is probably the most overlooked or denied. How often have we asked our relatives or friends in such situations if they are okay and the answer has been i am fine. We have to recognise that for those that depend on us, we are their world, and if anything happens to their caregivers, their world changes far more dramatically. They will want for us as their caregiver to be available in mind, body and spirit for them. This does not necessarily mean we have to be at their disposable 24/7, but instead we offer them our reassurance that they will be well looked after.
Ask for help
Caregiving can take a toil on one’s physical, mental, emotional, financial resources. It is not uncommon to hear of caregiver’s burnout which in its most tragic form can lead to physical harm either to the caregiver or recipient. It does not have to lead to this. What can we do about it, here are some suggestions.
a. Get help
It sounds simple enough and intuitive but sadly this is often the last resort. In fact it should be the very first thing any caregiver should do especially when they are starting their caregiving journey. Don’t be shy, caregiving affects every family unit equally regardless of social status, ethnicity, education background. Do seek out support groups for information or referrals that can direct you to the resource help that benefits you most.
Granted that in Singapore our social service schemes are many and can be difficult to navigate, but one does not have to do it by yourself. There are many social agencies including the Caregiving Welfare Association that can be your guide through this.
b. Give yourself a caregiver time out
We all need a break whether we are studying, working, exercising, the human body is not designed to work continuously. Learning to let go and entrust the care of your loved ones to someone else or a respite facility should not invite feelings of guilt or inadequacy. It is true that the care recipient may develop a dependency syndrome on the caregiver, one advise to avoid this is through socialisation.
c. Join a support group
Social isolation is real in caregiving, studies have shown that recipients do feel isolated despite being around family members as they lose the human connection of their social circles. The same holds true for caregivers. Support groups are a tremendous source of solace and reassurance especially speaking to more experienced caregivers with similar situations.
d. Take time to treat yourself
A simple break such as a meal at your favourite food stall, shopping for yourself, a simple leisurely activity that helps you distract from the daily routine are all good small breaks, in simpler terms just carve out some ‘me’ time for yourself.
e. Have faith
If you have a religious faith, it is well recognised that keeping your spiritual well being does help recenter your thoughts and caregivers of faith generally cope better. An alternative to faith is meditation as a means to calm both mind and spirit to further pacify a caregiver’s inner peace.
Caregiving can be difficult, it will stress and test our boundaries of patience, resilience, but despite this there are also many examples and positive stories from caregivers that their time spent with their loved ones were the most treasured and fulfilling periods of their lives. It starts with the caregiver taking time to love themself in equal measure as the ones they are looking after. As the saying goes, it takes a village to raise a child, likewise for the elderly, it takes that same village and some good drivers to help you navigate the caregiving route.
Dr Daniel Tan
Board Member and
Editorial Sub-Committee: Editor-in-Chief
Caregiving Welfare Association
All information is accurate at the time of publishing.