The year is coming to a close and 2021 has been a difficult year for many, especially with the pandemic still swirling around us and the rollercoaster up and down social restrictions. In short it was a messy year.
As is usual for this time of the year, I get into the habit to declutter my office and home so that whatever I don’t need can be ‘upcycled’ or ‘recycled’. It is a way to literally make space for what is to come. But as I get into the actual work, I find it is not as easy as just sorting, packing and removing. Even simple things like giving away clothes gives me cause to pause and defer some clothing pieces because of sentimental reasons even though physically I have outgrown them (that’s a nice way of saying I have grown fatter and can’t fit into it).
What is holding me back? The hesitancy to let go is driven by emotional attachment, but the more I hold onto it, the more clutter accumulates and eventually there is little space to take on more.
What is the relevance of this to caregiving you ask, it reflects about us as a person and regardless whether we are the caregiver or the one being cared for, we all have to let go some things in life so that we can make space for change, embrace new things and experiences.
Letting go to move ahead
To all the caregivers who may read this, there is only so much time and space in your life to juggle multiple responsibilities. If we keep adding more work, pressures build up and very soon it spills over, no different from the earlier example of decluttering a wardrobe. The hardest part is deciding what to let go and what to keep. Everyone has different priorities in life, and home situations are different so the intention here is not to prescribe what to do, but rather what steps we can do to move forward.
Letting go of physical barriers
This is probably an easier objective to assess and make changes, if the daily caregiving tasks are physically strenuous because the chair or bed transfer requires heavy lifting, perhaps its time to let go of old furniture and have it replaced with more ergonomic appliances. There is an inherent stubbornness in all of us to grow attach to our favourite sofa, but just as some of my elderly family members realized they needed help to get up, it took considerable persuasion for them to accept that a high chair is what was needed to enable a more comfortable sitting position and best of all they did not have to rely on someone to help them get up from the chair. I consider this a small victory, but every little bit helps.
Letting go of guilt
All too often I hear the repeated excuses that caregivers give that they feel obligated to sacrifice their own happiness because of the guilt they feel leaving their loved ones behind.
This is a mindset that needs reframing, your respite from caregiving duties does not equate to abandonment of your loved ones. Let go of the personal guilt, free yourself of this and one will find more space and capacity to go further on this caregiving journey. The pandemic has exacerbated the isolation for many people and this has caused friction and fractured family relationships.
Individual self-care is even more important right now and we cannot emphasize the benefits of just saying ‘I need my time and space, I still love you and my world involves both of us, but right now this time it is about me’. How many of us are prepared to say this without guilt, if you can, you have taken the first step to empty out the inner guilt and you are ready take on the next tasks with renewed energy.
Letting go of the past
The reason why all of us suffer from some degree of hoarding is that we are unable to let go of the past. There are some items that should be retained and that is what we need to discern, but holding onto too many items makes our lives messy. We need to do periodic spring cleaning and re-organisation, so as to increase our memory space, and these memories become richer in the longer term and are more easily retrievable.
Eventually the day will come when caregiving responsibilities end because the ones we were looking after have passed on. That day should be the transition to begin the next chapter of life and we have to let go of the past to move forward.
The analogy is like taking a long nature walk, the path is uneven, there will be obstacles to climb over, the journey is long, but along the way if you stop and silence your inner thoughts, you will hear the wind rustling the leaves, see the birds flying from tree to tree. When you look back you will have seen how far you have gone and as you look ahead at the trail you do not know what to expect, it will be uncertain and the natural tendency is for us to continue walking forward not backwards.
I have gone through my own personal journeys and key criteria is always travel light if you are embarking on a long travel, the more baggage we bring along, the harder the journey will be. As the new year dawns on us, my wish for everyone is let go of negative emotions, tidy up your physical environment, it takes both physical and mental housekeeping to prepare you for the caregiving journey ahead.
Happy New Year
Dr Daniel Tan
Board Member and
Editorial Sub-Committee: Editor-in-Chief
Caregiving Welfare Association
All information is accurate at the time of publishing.